Two Poems by Austin LaGrone

Issue 69
Issue 69

Found in Willow Springs 69

Back to Author Profile

Tableau with Rockets Redglare

 

At home with Wild Turkey, I hear

someone yell Piss yellow gypsy

cab colored moon! and, looking

out the window, notice

that it is orange and full

and competing for the sky

where the Pussycat's marquee

reads Girls-Girls...

and then just failed light.

There are days meant for loss.

Others, for holding on.

Either way, I understand permanence

by placing things inside my mouth.

And, like the nickel on the needle

of the record player

or the Eldorado double-parked,

ticketed and towed, I feel

the usual rhythm of life

repeating. My ex-wife

sleeps with the television on,

says the flickering light

scares away the roaches.

We make love on Thursday

as though we are still married.

It is comforting and endless,

and afterwards we play 'Deluxe' Othello

and watch Down by Law with the volume

down. The Newton's Roach and Flea Powder

I sprinkle on the floor makes little difference;

week after week they return

to an understanding.

 

Foreseeable

 

Linger for a moment and trust

your cigarette. Hasn't its ritual

kept you sacred, through cheap

wine and that tall brunette

down at the Dollar General?

--Forget what she says.

You won't live long enough to need

one of those terrible voice boxes.

Besides, isn't out of smokes

a kind of silence? When I tap

ash from the balcony on Royal

and Orleans I'm saying, I will

always be keen on young breasts.

You've probably said something similar

turning the cherry against the lip

of the curb, or in the bed

of a shell, or along the tongue

of your shoe. And you've said more

with less. I can see dark breath

rising as though you're looking

for answers. That slow exhale

portends the full scope of your live-to-ride.

I don't need need the tarot, or a bloody yolk,

or even Yeats to see your Hierophant

eating bad oysters with sticky fingers.

“The Boy, the Carpenter, and the Risen” by Jeffrey J. Higa

Issue 91
Issue 91

Found in Willow Springs 91

Back to Author Profile

 

THE VILLAGE. There was a time before the plantation cleared a road to the village when we were known as the ancestral keepers of the fern grotto. It was a charge borne upon our ancestors by the king, his private spiritual retreat, he proclaimed in a moment of dominion as he clapped the shoulder of the one nearest to him, and thus was born our village. Though the king and the promise of his return were long dead, his decree was ferried from generation to generation until the arrival of the mercantilists with their high white collars and long black coats waving papers of deed and oleaginous promises of stewardship. So we said nothing when they built their sugar mill at water’s edge at the mouth of the cove, stayed silent when they stripped half the grotto’s lee side to build the flumes and winches to bring materials up and down to the mill, and watched the seas while we bided our time.

 

THE BOY. The night before the boy was born, the mother couldn’t sleep. Whether, she said, it was the discomfort of her first pregnancy or from her failure to garner for the boy a karmic destiny, she didn’t know. Habit more than thought moved her body to shore’s edge once again this night. There she saw the cobalt-colored sea writhing like a live thing, a serpent splitting itself upon the sand, and when she got close enough, she saw that the waves were not the iridescent reflection of the gibbous moon and her mantle of nightly attendants but swell upon swell of butterfly wings winking like wet sapphires in the water, yielding for a moment on the black sand before returning to the roiling surf. She touched nothing but ingested the vision before her with a concentration fierce enough to pierce the awareness of her unborn son and returned to her hut to give birth.

 

WINGS AND WAVES. There are those who are eager to jump in at this point to offer the naturalist explanation, namely, that a wreck of cliff-dwelling kittiwakes must have descended upon a kaleidoscope of migrating butterflies and with ruthless efficiency, denuded their prey of their gaudy and undigestible finery for the fat-storing soft bodies within. We wait for them to finish explaining before nodding and secretly side-eyeing each other for the pity we feel for their circumscribed lives.

 

THE GROTTO. How long the sugar mill remained, whether it was a couple of years as some say or only a couple of months as say others, all agree that the ocean will reclaim what is hers. So when the tsunami punished our island, drawing itself up into the depths of the grotto before retreating with every vestige of structure man-made, everything scrubbed clean down to the concrete piers, we were not surprised. We returned to the grotto, cleaning and replanting, plunging it back into its fecund darkness so the ferns would grace us with their return.

 

THE CARPENTER. It was at this time the carpenter came to us. He had been abandoned by the company, cast-off, much like their dream of wealth by sugar cane on the shores of our village. So, like the shipwrecked sailors throughout the ages who had found our village by happenstance and luck, the carpenter settled himself on the edge of our village and became the latest curiosity for the boy and the other village children, another gift from the bountiful largess of the sea.

 

BLESSINGS. Looking back, it is tempting to see these as the salad days, the time just before the events that would mark us forever, like stigmata of our village existence. The village children were growing strong and brown under the tutelage of a watchful ocean and an unyielding sun. The time when the carpenter took it upon himself to build a fence around the area we had been using as a makeshift cemetery, so that now and into the future, our beloved dead could lie free from the scourge of stray dogs. And we, so impressed by this improvement, sent word to have the ground officially consecrated, only to wait several years before an irritated cleric, who must have been diverted from a more important sacred duty elsewhere, arrived in a rattling hackney pulled by the whitest horses we had ever seen, spat out a few perfunctory words in a language we did not understand, and did not even stay for the celebration we had
prepared but left immediately afterward without a word, which fostered a lingering resentment that still poisons that realm and would explain the hodgepodge of memorials strewn across that space without line or reason as if left to the dead to organize themselves.

 

THE FIRST TIME. When it happened, we were sure it must have been a mistake. It was easy to see why. The boy was not yet a teenager, although the local authorities had declared he was dead, and two days later even the good doctor had come to the village bearing an official certificate with a penned signature in a Continental blue-black ink that was said to contain a kind of iron integrity that would make it permanent for all time. The children pretended to play across from the carpenter’s shop while he silently pieced together the small cabinet that looked less like a casket than a coracle rabbeted with a tightness that made us believe it could have been seaworthy. It displayed the parsimonious dovetailing, which eliminated the need for nails but of a type that you won’t find today even among the most skilled artisans except in the dreams of certain old men with calloused pads on the tips of their fingers and along the fringes of their sunken palms like the underside of a bear paw. The next day we all followed the family through the heat of the dusty flats to the cemetery and stayed to watch our friend be lowered into the dry hole and then withdrew back to our homes that evening to suffer the ministrations of our grandmothers who had resurrected rituals they had learned from their grandmothers when they were children to ward off the evil eye. None of the parents believed them when the children complained late that night of being unable to sleep because of the incessant moaning that apparently only they could hear, like the lamentation of an ancient tree slowly keeling over in repose.

 

LAZAR. Blinded by frustration and bound together by the injustice of their insensate elders, the children spurned the warmth of their beds and stumbled out into the darkness like dazed homunculi to the source of that sound, pulled like a beacon to the graveside where they had stood earlier that day. The creaking was unbearable here, so they dug with their hands in the fine-grain dirt to expose the coffin of their friend, which bulged and groaned like the leathery egg of some mythical creature about to burst forth. Suddenly branches, torn from nearby trees by the more quick-thinking among them, were passed around and they started to beat that coffin in a wild cadence, less to silence the fulsome creaking than as another improvisation to accompany this festive event. At some point, their drumming must have cracked the lid, for it broke into several pieces and fell into the coffin. For a moment there was complete silence, a stillness like the eye of a hurricane, save for the labored exhalations like a thirsty animal emanating from the darkness within the coffin. In a slant of moonlight that cleared some cloud cover just at that moment, like a heavenly beam from the eye of God himself, they saw a pair of hands grip the gunwales of the casket, and the boy who had been declared officially dead, certified, and borne to his grave, pushed himself up until he stood looking up at them
unblinkingly, his face awash in light.

Drownings are always tricky things, is all the authorities would say.

Children, the doctor was reported to have said with a shrug. Such miraculous healers.

 

THE CELEBRATION. We all accepted it for what it was: a cosmic mistake, a wrinkle in the timeline of fate, and among the more religious among us, a divine correction and rebuke of the greedy reach of the evil one. The boy’s mother celebrated by pinning the death certificate to the wall of their hut where it could be mocked and insulted by all who entered for their homecoming feast to honor the boy who had escaped from that most unjustified of deaths—drowning—and somehow slipped fate to return to them. The boy, however, seemed mostly unmoved by the festivities as he sat at his place of honor and turned a placid face toward all of us, silently scanning us like a scientist observing the sacred rituals of a heretofore unknown tribe. But what did we expect? Who knew what he must have experienced in the anteroom of the hereafter? Would any of us have acted any different if we had been wrested from the grip of death?

 

THE GIRL. Then it happened again. This time there were no special sounds, no churning in the minds or bodies of the children; in fact, the most remarkable thing about it was how pedestrian it was, how it lacked any sort of imprimatur, spiritual or otherwise. She just appeared suddenly along the main path of the village, as lost and confused about it as we were. She was grown certainly, but still in the first blush of womanhood, wearing what looked to us like the homemade shift of another era. And yet, when we tried to talk to her, tried to wheedle out a name at least, she looked at us with the mild alarm of one who was hearing only gibberish. It was only the oldest women in the village, those who still retained the vestiges of the indigenous mother tongue spoken in their youth before the advent of Christian education, it was only they who were able to reach the young woman and learn that she indeed did belong to us, but from that earlier time when things in the area were not yet named, and in legend her name had been given to the pali that overlooked our nearby beach, the suicide of a girl who threw herself off the promontory after her inevitable jilting by the sailor who had taken her heart, her body, and in the end, her very reason for living. Apocrypha made manifest in unshod feet.

 

MORE. They took her in, just as we took in the others who started returning, some like the girl, rambling into the village until they were recognized, and others, like the boy, who needed assistance to escape the confines of what was supposed to be their domicile of eternal rest. At first, the Japanese and those who cremated out of tradition or financial necessity feared they had made an irreversible error, inadvertently choosing an immovable roadblock on the road to restoration, but we found that even the incorporeal ashes of the cremated were enough to generate the return of a loved one or family member.

 

QUESTIONS WE POSED, ANSWERS WE EARNED. It soon became apparent to all of us that there was no explanation for who came back and who didn’t. Victims of crime or violence, those who, it could be said, to have suffered unjust deaths, did not automatically return. Those who gave their lives for service or principle, what we had been taught were honorable deaths, rarely returned. Suicides, those who might be said to be undeserving of life, were given another chance. Those who perished through accident with surprise in their eyes did sometimes return but arrived with a joyless demeanor. To this day, those of us who were children wonder why none of our pets ever came back. Over the days and weeks, one hard lesson did become clear: Despite what we had been taught, the way one died garnered no judgement. Death, unmoored from the moral reasoning that we had willingly accepted into our minds and bodies as smoothly as a knife between the ribs, was as meaningless as the stone guardians that marked our temples. If our final acts on earth were merely the treading of thespians in some forgotten production, then even the one thing we thought was absolute, death’s finality, was just a cawing mockery of the pitiful scaffolding of belief that had shaped our existence.

 

THE RISEN. Those who returned were different than we had remembered. They arrived with a taciturn demeanor and a deportment of extreme indifference that we previously had ascribed to heartless ranchers or plantation managers. The risen gazed upon us with an inscrutable flatness in their eyes, which belied the overwhelming sense of melancholy in their wake that suffocated us when they left the room. While the chill of death had left their bodies, it seemed that no warmth could be gleaned from them, wives who in previous times remembered reaching for the warmth of their husbands in bed, now complained of heat being leeched from their bodies and replaced with a glacial coldness lonelier than their annulled widowhood. Some reported feeling smothered by a murderous rage if one stood too close to them, while others disagreed and called it a bottomless anguish that constricted their lungs and hearts. No one could disagree that too long in the presence of one of the risen brought on a curious vertigo whose main symptom seemed to be the keen awareness of the lethargy of time, as if the inertia of the past was suddenly made manifest in the moment and we were forced to grievously confront it in the hidden consciences of our souls.

 

LUCK, THE ONE-EYED BITCH. Superstition kept us from probing too deeply into the ‘why’ of our luck, for surely that would make it cease overnight, but we could not help wondering about the ‘who.’ Who decided who would return? Perhaps if there had been some sort of plan, some discernable method we could have intuited to answer this critical question, maybe we would have been happier. But in the vacuum created by that absence, whispers grew louder that some families got more than others. Abusive husbands returned without invitation, mothers who died in childbirth returned without their babies, even village drunks and a hated overseer came back to remind us of painful memories and other bad times. Some began to claim that all the risen were addled, clearly damaged goods not good enough for heaven nor hardy enough for hell. But that only generated other recriminations. Suddenly, personal insults and buried grudges bloomed in our village to poison neighbors and drench relatives in the bad blood of long dormant feuds, all of which gave jealousy leverage to fray the bonds of our community. A gloom settled itself as tight as a fist in our village. Sparks between neighbors could ignite from mere sideways glances, welcome parties were scarcely attended, and family members shunned each other like carriers of incurable diseases. All might have remained this way with the ruts of hatred and habit growing deeper in our hearts, and envy burrowing itself further under our skins only to erupt later in a froth of anger and accusations, were it not for the quake.

THE QUAKE. The island’s uneasy existence between the crust of its former self where we lived and the nascent flows where lava and sea met to form the wet black husk of new birth produced the occasional rumbling: the restless goddess of earthly creation reminding us of her power. And while the rest of us cowered beneath tables or benches, or braced ourselves in doorways or against walls, the risen, all of them, were outside looking to the heavens watching the passage of birds as they lifted themselves from their aeries and rookeries and took wing away from their volatile surroundings. It only occurred to us then that maybe they hadn’t wanted to return either. That all of us were victims of some cruel cosmic joke, punchlines in an internecine squabble between unfeeling gods, or the detritus of a forgotten divine prank. While the risen were still silently beseeching the heavens, a murmuration swept through the village, and all of us concluded the thing that seemed obvious at the time: we needed to find them a way back.

BLOOD IS THICKER. The suggestion that we kill them again was quickly extinguished as less a solution and more of a genocide. Besides which, the responsibility for each would fall to their family, something no one could contemplate. Subsequent discussions only offered solutions that were no less messy, no less violent, nor any more feasible. The adults were stumped until a child pointed out that weren’t we just trying to bring them all closer to heaven? She then pointed to the highest peak on the island.

STAY OR AWAY. Preparations began immediately for what in earlier days might have seemed like a celebration. Meals were prepared and packed, water was drawn from catchments into flasks, fruit was harvested for snacks on the way up, and even the littlest ones grew giddy. Everyone, outfitted and loaded up, filed out of the village with our risen. To say that we were joyous would be an aggrandizement, rather a tendril of hope, something that had been missing among us for a long time, seemed to rope all of us together. As we neared the summit, the children started singing the song that they had pieced together on the way up:

Here we come, here we come, here we come,
To the top of the rising sun!
We‘ll bring them all the way,
For all to stay or away!

 

FAREWELLS. Nearly everything that had been prepared—the food, the water, the small and sundry gifts we had collected—were all left on the perimeter while we gathered the risen in the middle. We explained to them that the sun will soon set and the moon will soon rise, and then added, in case they had forgotten, the traditional time for farewells. With only the simplest of goodbyes—a touch of the hand, perhaps, or a stroke of the cheek—we turned to go back down the mountain. Those who dared to look back saw the gathered look after us for a moment and then return their gaze back up to the heavens, and then we knew that it was time to go.

 

THAT NIGHT. All through the village, it was a solemn dinner as we tried to restrict our conversation to the barest of necessities and concentrate on the mundane movements of our lives. We carefully avoided any glimpse of the mountains and what might be silhouetted there in the moonlight. That night we slept like the dead, immovable in our guilt, yet freed from the yoke of sorrow that we had borne since their arrival.

 

THE SUN ALSO RISES. It was with a sense of disappointment, rather than surprise, when we awoke the next morning to see a few of them back in the village, seeming no different than when they had left the day before. Throughout that evening and on into the week, all of them would eventually return to us with no sign of fear, recrimination, or anger in their eyes or in the corners of their mouths. Just a tacit acceptance on both sides, like an indifferent handshake, of the return of the status quo.

 

A NEW THEOLOGY. We gathered, then, to discuss that perhaps we had been mistaken in our theology. The dogma honed within us by the church, namely, a universal lust for heaven, had been erroneous. What other conclusion could there be from the actions of the risen? We did not need the naïve exhortations of a clergy who were as neophytic as we were in this circumstance. Faced with our bleak rejection of the ascension into heaven, we were left with only with the descent into hell.

 

HELL WITHOUT FIRE. We immediately recognized the deficiency of our catechism. Our religious education spends a lifetime preparing us for heaven with nary a motion for the preparation of hell. A suggestion of fire was timidly raised, only to be extinguished by the silence of that ghastly imagining. In our bifurcated cosmology, if there is a stairway to heaven, wasn’t there also a pathway to hell? The long silence evoked by that question threatened to transmogrify into grief, when again, a child spoke and reminded us of the forbidden hollows that formed the vascular core of the island.

 

BASALT. This time, we packed no food, prepared no gifts, and packed only a fiasco of water for each of the risen and a single torch for all as we coursed out of the village and turned toward the black fields of pāhoehoe lava. The eons of magma that slowly passed out of the core to create our islands had cooled over epochs to form spacious voids others called lava tubes. To us, this arterial array was a monolithic account of creation, each ropy wall beneath the surface a testimony to the nascent delivery of our island. We chose the longest tube we knew, a subterranean hollow of singular opening with a deep and lengthy passage within a surround of darkness. We formed a gauntlet and after handing the boy the torch, we ushered him and the rest of the risen into the maw of dead lava, as if welcoming them into their new dwelling. They ambled forward, one following another while we watched from the surface until the torchlight no longer refracted back to us. We turned then to the scree that surrounded us and stacked basalt over the entrance to create a seal and a ward to our problem.

 

A BEACON. No one is sure if it was the boy who returned first or not, but it was sometime that evening that someone saw the torch braced against the cemetery fence, like a beacon for the prodigal, and, as some of us took it, a fiery admonishment of our lack of imagination. It would be by noon the next day when all the risen had returned and the first raindrops started to fall, sizzling in the flare of the torch before succumbing to the downpour and being snuffed out.

 

THEN CAME DAYS OF RAIN. The singing of the birds replaced by the incessant keening of male frogs in their splendor and libidinous desire. Evacuated graves like neglected basins overflowing. A flourishing of centipedes with weary mothers as sentries over their sleeping children at night. Versicolor scale like mold murals blooming in corners and beside windows. All of us standing in open doorways, brooding on terrestrial desolation. Loneliness like hookworm through the soles of our feet, creeping up our spines into our heads.

 

THE CARPENTER. For weeks, each raindrop struck us like the ticking of an eternal clock while the earth drowned in ennui. Lulled by this, we failed to notice when the carpenter began, only that at some later point, we realized that he was the only moving thing in the torrent. We watched him move deliberately, stacking the wood, and then racking it to keep it above the continual drift that coursed through the paths in the village. More days were taken up by sawing, measuring, arranging, shaping pieces for a
plan visible only in his head. They fit together slowly under the blows of his hammer, first a bulging side like a herniated wall, then a couple of generous platforms, forward and aft, but it wasn’t until he shaped an enormous fin on the underside of his creation, did we realize that he was creating a keel for a vessel with an extraordinary draft. On the day he started applying the pitch, the day we heard the first bird sing and saw a rift in the gloom like the hesitant cracking of a door before a flood of light, we knew it wouldn’t be long before we had to be ready to try again.

 

SHEPHERDS. Again this time, there were no elaborate preparations, no planning or thoughts of contingencies, just a quiet gathering of the risen by the village women, while the men hauled the boat to the ocean. The children, rather than high-stepping and clowning around like the first time, entered the gathering and silently took the hand of the one they liked best and led them like gentle shepherds, while the risen walked with a relieved acquiescence, toward the beach. Once there, the mother of the boy had only to gesture and the boy climbed up onto the vessel and ascended to the highest point on the prow. The village children then released the hand of their charges and the risen climbed wordlessly into the boat, none of them looking back once they entered the craft, but like the boy, kept their eyes focused forward to the horizon. When the last of them was aboard, the men in the water timed the shore break, and through a wrangling of shoves and precise nudges, they propelled the boat forward where it eventually caught and launched itself out into that enigmatic blue expanse. None of us went home then. Instead, we continued to watch the shadow of the boat against the setting sun until the nadir of the earth’s curvature swallowed them up. In later years, we would remember this moment as the start of an unraveling inside ourselves, a blurring of boundaries in the meaning of time, the notion of sorrow, and the comfort of death, but at that moment, all we understood was that we were suddenly alone again, forsaken in the twilight.

Three Poems by Randall Watson

Issue 91
Issue 91

Found in Willow Springs 91

Back to Author Profile

The Future of Nostalgia

 

 

Not your town but a town
by the sea, a little village, maybe, named
Clean or Bay Shore or

No Famine.

You’re a stranger there.

It’s raining it’s snowing it’s very hot.

You find it intolerable
though the people seem friendly.

A couple of clammers drink beer
in a flat-bottomed Sharpie.

The lineman for Suffolk Lighting
checks his tool box.

You’re eating a Happy Meal and yes, you’re happy,
that’s the point, isn’t it,

you’re a child,

a rank but comforting breeze
eases in off the bay,

the white belly of a dead blowfish bobs
sunward in the shallow end
where the short canal stops at the highway.

Morning, of course, is beautifully inhabited,
which is how it should be

3 kids in their mid-teens
race on stolen bicycles across the bridge,
a red tick settling into the groin or armpit or clutching
the hair of an eyebrow.

A street sign says: Stop.

A t-shirt says: Cui Bono.

And night—
like a big indigo berry
that began as an umbrel of poisonous white flowers—
is predictably dark.

It’s scary.

The unemployed hunch over their shot-glasses and darts
cursing the rich while wanting to be them.

The shuffleboard’s long narrow planks
fleck with sawdust.

A painted umbrella waits
to open.

It’s like a gift card with sound.

The ping-ping-ping of the wind chimes
from the restaurant next door
bubble over

each note as small and green and sour
as a strawberry that will swell and ripen
when spring ends
and the summer says ha.

And you’ve never liked that music before.

 

Little League

 

 

When I was ten, playing baseball for one of those leagues where the teams are

sponsored by banks and beer distributors

and the colors seem, repetitively, Celtic green, though not, I think, some sly,

symbolic invocation of ancestral pride

but simply a bright and pretty color—

 

our pitcher, Bobby, I will call him, southpaw, black, his fastball tailing away

from so much righthandedness, was good,

and we were in first place, at that time, ‘66, all that mattered,

pitcher and catcher bound, not just by effort or desire,

but linked in an orbit of speed and motion, a joy that moved, untroubled by

the world, naïve, immediate—

 

and one night I invited Bobby over to my house, my neat little segregated

neighborhood, with Jews and Catholics and depressed atheists you could identify

by the hazard of their uncut lawns, as though the landscape

were a kind of metaphysic—

 

and I recall the blend of excitement and unease I felt, a tension that went

almost unnoted, when he and his mother, who was somewhat large and old

and nearly gray,

pulled up in what must have been a car from the 40's, the lines of its hood

and fenders and roof all beautifully rounded—

 

and though I can't imagine now what it must have been like for him, just eleven

and black,

with all those white people standing at the door and smiling, my mother, my sister,

me, one thread-worn azalea on each side of the stoop, the front grass deep

in oak-tuft and maple, still bright from recent falling--

 

I think we were happy, glad to be there, shy, open, as boys are, or can be,

uncluttered, and we spent the night flipping baseball cards, matching

and mismatching sides, as called, the faces poised at the edge of action,

pitchers in mid-windup, batters peering out at us as though we hurried,

dangerously, spinning toward them,

the next day passing unmindful and content and curious, the world united

in its flush and blossom—

 

until a few weeks later someone complained to the league office, that Bobby,

it seemed, was born three days too late or early, and according to their

calculations,

red Mars casting its martial shadow across the path of Venus, he was too old

to play in the minors,

 

so they moved him, forcibly, mid-season, by rule and fiat, to another team,

which is when I learned what laws were made to do to those who hadn’t made them,

and the world became, in a day, more dense and weighted, as though summer

had thickened into a shadow

no one could pass through.

 

After that, after the tears and objections, the vague tribunal of league officials,

we would go, almost the whole team at first, the Sadowskis and Kramers and

Engelhardts and Jones,

to watch Bobby play, first baseman now, as the coach's son was a pitcher,

 

but eventually everything just went away,

disappeared, it seemed, into the oncoming heat of summer, the season’s end,

the way things can, and do, sometimes for good,

though who can hardly tell for sure,

and for me it all became a kind of vague regret and choler in the climax

of August,

a scar on a part of the body you cannot see

unless you try to,

 

until years later, in High School, when we met again—

blacks, whites, Bobby, me, recognizable, glad,

parked in our cars by the Great South Bay,

playing Clapton and Hendrix and Herbie Hancock on our eight-tracks,

smoking dope and drinking, and listening to Ralph Rivera tell us all

about this book by a guy named Castaneda,

who we had not read,

and how he'd learned the arts, Ralph said, passing the joint to the person

beside him, of another world,

where a man might forget his body and rise, unfettered, into freedom and power,

accompanied, depending

on the character of his soul, the depth of his wisdom,

by the dark, shimmering, light-filled, knowing

body of the crow.

 

Losing the Self

 


It happens. Is happening. All the time.

 

Ask the young couple who’ve just returned from their honeymoon in

Montparnasse

shaking their suitcases out above the white sheet they’ve spread

on the hardwood floor of their new townhome.

 

Nothing.

 

Or the widow, just after Church, Easter, 2004, who’s convinced it’s somewhere,

the place that only exists if you never find it,

 

her truck just sitting there, week after week, grazing the driveway, adjusting

its shadow.

 

One day you wake up, your bowl filled with Kashi or cranberries, wrinkled

as wet walnuts,

 

and sense it, roaming the maze of the body, seeking an outlet,

rushing to your feet when you stand up, to your head

 

when you bend down to handsweep

a broken decanter.

 

Suddenly you’re anyone.

 

One minute it’s that boy trapped in a perpetual loop reciting the poems of

extinct insects,

another it’s the golden-haired botanist growing orchids in a swamp,

 

and yesterday you were that girl no one taught about measure.


It was sunny.

 

Just this morning, for instance, for about 3 hours, you were your neighbor,

20 lbs. overweight and balding, recently divorced,

 

dancing slowly, happily upon his porch, embracing the emptiness,

gazing coyly into her sunglasses,

whispering to God.

 

You recall it quite clearly.

 

Or someone does.

 

A small iridescent butterfly

clinging to the vine of the climbing jasmine,

which freshens the air,

 

a male grackle perched on an old antenna,

planted, like a winterized maple,

in the lawn.

“Manuél Sánchez. Seaquake” by Lis Sanchez

Issue 91
Issue 91

Found in Willow Springs 91

Back to Author Profile

 

Son of mine, little Borikén, butting
Your bloodhead along a blind chute, child who breaks
The saltwaters of your mother’s loneliness,
Cyclone spawn, spume and fury, with fins sawing
Your mother’s vulva, with eyes bulbing and mouth
Gawping, with seismic thrashing you push out,
Snag your mother’s cord. Your jaws snap
And with a flash that blinds her to her pangs—
And to me—you leap! into my hands, wriggling,
Perilous as sargasso weeds. Is it
I who dry your finlet ears, your fine
Barbel hairs? Till now I’ve touched nothing
As quivery as your skin, a current that drags
Me far from shore, closer to my drowning.

“A Tour of the Mural at the Merari Public Library” by Madison Jozefiak

Issue 91
Issue 91

Found in Willow Springs 91

Back to Author Profile

ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE of the Western wall, painted waves roll towards us in swells of green and grayish blue. A lattice lace of foam breaks across the surface, while underneath, the ocean’s inhabitants coexist in harmony. It is the Beginning of Time, a mythological construct which defies logical reason, and yet, despite a lack of evidence, might very well have occurred.

As you can see, the Octopus is relishing a moment of solitude in a kelp forest. The pale green sickle of the Moray Eel, curling around a coral pillar, is joined just underneath by the Smooth-Hound Shark, whose curved gray body is reminiscent of a classic car. The tiger-striped scoop of the Nautilus’s shell drifts in open water above the rest, the big-headed Grouper lumbers at the sandy bottom, and the red bristles of the Rockfish’s fin emerge from behind a convoluted structure of the multicolored reef. All things underwater belong unconditionally to the vast, volatile ocean. They thrive off of its vitality as the ocean thrives from theirs.

Now let’s turn to the right-hand side of the Western wall, which transitions from the left with a change in the sky, a sunset gradient, to indicate a shift in perspective.

A lone woman is perched on the sea cliffs, bent over and draped in a dark blue fabric that shimmers with bronze, like the rust of shipwrecks accenting her clothes. This is the so-called sea witch who lives in caves along the rocky shoreline. There is a degree of self-righteousness in the way she stands alone, although the cliffs look bleak in comparison to the ocean’s abundance and diversity of life. Taken as a whole, the Western wall is a stunningly detailed, panoramic view from ocean to coast. It goes without saying that the artist has done a spectacular job.

During my tours, I am often concerned with the level of appreciation I might expect from all of you, you with your sun-baked faces and bellies full of clams. You are not ocean people. You are beach people. You have spent the better part of the day flat on your backs, roasting, while the hyperactive children currently running figure-eights around your legs were left to drink blue slushie and build their sloppy sandcastles unattended. Still, I hold out faith. I believe in your potential.

If you were familiar with the town and its oral histories, you would know that this wall of the Merari Public Library is actually a one-sided love story. Note how the painted waves fall, the
down-curves like greedy and possessive claws.

The ocean is emotional and unpredictable. It is constantly shifting, intricate and deep, glowing aquamarine in the sun. The shore, on the other hand, is rigid and unspontaneous with unlovable rock structures. You might think that, for the shore, the ocean would be a catch. But the land here has always been mysteriously resistant to erosion. The waves pull endlessly at the rocks and beaches, tormented by unrequited feelings, disrupting the natural patterns of tidal movement.

I see that a few of you are chuckling behind your hands. It’s regrettable that I witness such behavior frequently, and yet I am encouraged by the fact that you’re trying to conceal your amusement. Apparently, you understand I take my tours very seriously.

It is no laughing matter that the sea has fallen in love with the land, and that the land does not return the sea’s affections. It has wide-ranging implications for the ecosystem. We will explore this further as we turn the corner, but first, I’d like to pause for questions.
Are there any questions regarding this first wall of the mural?

Yes, you.

 

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN A TOUR GUIDE? This question has nothing to do with the mural. But I will tell you: seven years. Any more questions?

 

DO I DO THIS FOR A LIVING? Of course not. I am merely a dedicated volunteer, striving to bring one of the most cherished stories of our community to life for those passing through. Often it seems that I am met at every turn of these library walls with nothing more than the glassy-eyed stares of the tourists who, after barely five minutes of introduction, are curious about little else aside from where their next meal is coming from. I am driven on, nonetheless, by the undying conviction that someone, one day, will step away from my tour and see this place and its people in a different light, just as I did when I first began to investigate historical evidence that speaks to the validity of the legend.
Another question?

 

DO I . . . HAVE ANY restaurant recommendations? Hahhh. Alessandro’s on Main street is the best. Tell the server that Christopher was your tour guide today, they’ll send out a free
appetizer.

Moving on. No more questions, people! Contain yourselves. There will be time later.

The posterior wall of the Merari Public Library is the largest and most eventful section of wall-canvas. On the left-hand side, we see that the sea creatures have absorbed the sea’s yearning and find themselves drawn to the shore. It would be impossible for the fraught land-sea dynamic not to affect marine life, after all.

Octopus leads the way with the vine-like ends of her tentacles outstretched. Nautilus, Moray Eel, Rockfish, Smooth-Hound Shark, and Grouper follow behind her. Most of the children (and, indeed, adults) of Merari will claim this section of the mural as their favorite, as the artist has done an exquisite job of depicting the personality of each creature.

Note how Octopus assertively extends her many arms towards the water’s surface, the cerebral yet commanding look in her horizontal-slitted eye. Nautilus speeds after her, a whimsical dream-frill of tentacles propelling it forward. The lines of Moray Eel’s body call to mind a sarcastic smirk, while the bristling of Rockfish’s fins conveys impatience, frustration. Smooth-Hound Shark weaves his way around the others with a dignified and detached expression, while Grouper’s expression is sheepish and slightly hopeful as he drifts at the back of the pack.

Each of our main characters is in the midst of something that they have never before experienced: a relentless desire for a world that is not their own, a world that they cannot even breathe in. They converge at the feet of the sea witch, beneath the wide windows of the Library’s upper floor. She leans forward to address the orange bulb of Octopus’s head as it breaks the surface, her abundant hair falling to hide her face.

The witch, Meraria, is a complicated figure in our town’s history. Some historical accounts go to great descriptive lengths to have us believe she was loved by all, exceptionally talented, tremendously intelligent, the center of attention at every party, and very, um . . . physically . . . well-endowed. But knowing that the author of these accounts is most likely Meraria herself does call their validity into question.

When the aquatic creatures describe their land-longing to Meraria in this section of mural, she offers them a deal. She promises to provide each with a human form capable of walking on land in exchange for their knowledge of the ocean’s riches. It seemed to be a straight-forward transaction: Octopus and the others must have been aware of the value that humans place on certain minerals and various curative or poisonous substances from the sea. But they had no way of knowing what the witch really wanted.

If we take a look at history, witches are not generally popular. Meraria was no exception. Having been cast out of society on account of countless exploitative schemes involving sorcery, she was ultimately forced into a life of solitude on the sea cliffs. What the witch wanted most was not wealth or power, but a community and a sense of belonging. Although she wouldn’t turn down wealth and power either, given the opportunity.

As we turn to the mural’s next scene, a couple years have passed. The town of Merari is in the process of being built, with its first inhabitants setting up their shops and homes.

Take this man, standing outside the establishment that seems to recall the town’s present-day Café Coral. What do you notice about him? Pale green eyes. Something fluid in the painted lines of his arms as he sweeps the entranceway. The trademark smirk, a hint of irony, as if he’s about to make a sarcastic comment. This is the Moray Eel from the previous ocean scenes.

This one is Grouper, with his recognizable hopeful expression, giving out small business loans at the bank. Moray Eel was likely the recipient of one of them, as was Rockfish, with her fiery hair and red-tinged skin, shown here in the process of establishing the town tavern. Here is the dreamy-eyed Nautilus, opening an art gallery. And here is Smooth-Hound Shark, dressed in gray, with new scholarly glasses, establishing the town’s first school.

Octopus is featured prominently at the top of the wall: a woman with long tendrils of hair that curl vine-like at the ends. She is speaking urgently with Meraria, doubtlessly in an endeavor to gain support for her next scientific venture. This relentless pursuit of knowledge and funding is said to have led to the foundation of the Marine Research Center associated with Merari University.

The town on this wall is painted in more subdued tones compared with the rest of the artwork. It looks almost pastoral after the intense, saturated colors we encountered early on. You may be wondering which of our aquatic ancestors established the Merari Public Library—I wish I could tell you. It is lost to history, as is the identity of the artist behind the mural.

In any case, we can see now that each town member has been transformed as Meraria had promised. But the sea witch did more than provide them with legs and lungs to satisfy their longing for the land. She also erased their memories of the ocean. Wiped blank, dependent upon the witch for survival, the sea creatures-turned-humans were pliable servants, susceptible to whatever she told them.

Meraria’s first order of business was to have her subjects build the town, which they named after her. They also built her a castle on the high cliffs, the seat of power during her reign, of which today nothing remains but the wave-battered remnants of old stone walls. According to historical accounts, Meraria was a generous ruler, extremely popular with the people due to festivities she sponsored and hosted. Again, we have to take bias into consideration, owing
to the fact that all such accounts originated from her own royal court. But even while reliable evidence of Merari’s economic and political situation during this period can be hard to come by, there is enough to suggest that the townspeople had given rise to a fairly self-sufficient community. It’s possible that they instinctively developed networks of interdependencies that bore similarity to their former, flourishing underwater ecosystem.

Before we move on to the Eastern wall, I’ll pause for questions again. Questions related to the mural. Ok? Yes, you.

 

WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING. Didn’t I answer this before? I see—all I said was that being a tour guide for the public library mural was not my occupation. In actuality, I teach history at Merari Public High School, where the head of the department has not yet given in to my requests for a unit on the town’s history and legends in the syllabus. Other questions?

 

I SEE. So Alessandro’s does not have enough five-star reviews for you. And you’re looking for a view of the ocean? In that case, how about the local ferry, headed to one of our neighboring towns? I have been informed that they have food on board.

Moving on.

As we turn the corner to the Eastern-facing wall, the picture darkens. Shadows sweep down from the cliffs against which the tormented ocean repeatedly crashes, forming a circular frame around the image that depicts the untimely death of Meraria. The sea witch is lying on her bed in her castle, bloated to four times her size on the previous two walls. Candied fruits and other delicacies from around the world crowd her room. A huge, deflated wine skin rests in her lap.

How exactly Meraria met her end is unknown, although suspected causes include heart failure and cirrhosis of the liver. Having grown accustomed to a life of deprivation, she hurried to embody the opposite extreme—excess—from the moment her fortunes changed. Accounts from those present at her nightly feasts and twice-monthly festivals are surely just a sampling of what had become commonplace for the witch-ruler.

Due to the lavish lifestyle that decimated her health, Meraria died earlier than might have been expected. From the moment that her eyelids shut and the last of the life energy ebbed from her body, the townspeople began to recall memories of their ocean lives.

The next scene of the mural depicts the sky split open and the town stopped in its tracks. The artist has layered images on top of each other like stripes of sediment. Octopus stands beneath the pouring rain on the cliffs with her long hair drenched and her back turned to the viewer. Underneath, Smooth-Hound Shark and Moray Eel mutely stare into glasses of amber liquor at Rockfish’s tavern, while she leans towards the window, watching rain ricochet off the awning. Grouper is having a smoke outside the door and staring at the pipe in his hands, probably wondering if this is doing irreparable damage to his gills. Below this, Nautilus is in a darkened studio, surrounded by the torn canvases of underwater scenes they always felt so strongly compelled to paint without knowing why, their face pressed into their hands.

It is the scene of a community-wide identity crisis. You can imagine the level of chaos and despair. Are we people? Are we fish? Are we both, or neither? With the death of the sea witch, the spell weakens just enough to allow for some flexibility of form. Here and there, the artist has painted glimpses of people waking up with fins instead of arms. Scales, shells, and spines take the place of skin and hair. When people get tired or lazy, maybe they find themselves reverting back, gills surfacing beneath their clothes.

“War Poem” Translated by Andrew Wachtel

Issue 91

Found in Willow Springs 91

Back to Author Profile

СТИХИ ВОЙНЫ

BY ANZHELINA POLONSKAYA

 

Ты так далеко,
что не доплывают
смоленые лодки,
и плечи мои
от тяжёлой работы
натерты,
и вёсла мои.
И рыба, которая шла за кормою
в неравном скитании,
однажды вернется домой.
Осталась звезда в терновом, далеком
созвездии звёзд.
Но всюду меня покидали
и компас, и кормчий -
кто путь этот не перенёс.
Ты так далеко,
что мир заточенья неважен.
Не суть,
что в лодках смоленых великое знание,
и что эти плечи несут.

War Poem

TRANSLATED BY ANDREW WACHTEL

 

You’re so far away
that the tarred keels
can’t reach you
and my shoulders
and oars
are worn out
from hard work.
The fish that has followed the rudder
in its random wanderings
will simply return home.
Only a star remains, in a thorny
far-off constellation.
But my compass and the helmsman
who couldn’t endure the voyage
have abandoned me.
You’re so far away
that the prison of this world is irrelevant.
No one cares
that tarred keels are filled with deep knowledge
or what these shoulders are carrying.

 

“Advice from a Dog” by Adam Scheffler

Issue 91
Issue 91

Found in Willow Springs 91

Back to Author Profile

 

I Piss expressively.

Detect the aura of seizures.

Judge objects first by movement,

then by brightness, then by shape.

Impersonate a helicopter

when reunited with a person you love.

And when you hear an ambulance

try to instigate a mass keening.

If worms grow in your heart,

call their number

the ‘worm burden.’

But have someone who loves you

administer a pill,

so each month the

worm burden is nil.

Get mugged by a cat,

and be able to smell cancer.

But smell also the worms coiled up in

the human heart, thousands.

A ‘wyrm’ is a serpent or dragon.

A ‘burthen’ is the capacity of a ship.

Picture their heart as an

aircraft carrier

covered in dragons.

Then, offer your condolences:

Lay your head on their feet.

Opportunistically lick their toes.

Have Bella be your most popular name.

“Witness” by John Hodgen

Issue 64
Issue 64

Found in Willow Springs 64

Back to Author Profile

Predictable to some degree that a man with a red and white striped stick-on umbrella hat

and a portable public address system bullhorn would be working the heart of Bourbon Street

in the name of the Lord. Telling all the jesters, masquers, Red Death revelers, that God

will not be mocked, that His patience is running out, that He sees us all, unblinking.

Predictable as well, perhaps, that his sidekick, his long-suffering Fortunato, would be hauling a life-size cross up the street with him on the Via Dolorosa, the road to the Superdome.

 

Less predictable the college kid, clean cut, a Chuck Palahniuk Fight Club type,

having to be restrained, pulled away by his friends, physically lifted off the ground,

his feet moving in mysterious ways. Screaming at the Jesusers that they don't belong here,

that this is our holy place, our last sanctuary, that this is where we come for the sole purpose of getting away from Jesus, that this is where we worship, that we should be free to mock God whenever we want, that someone could get hurt tripping over a cross like that in the street,

that we should just be left alone, that we are all being crucified each and every day.

His friends haul him away, John the un-Baptist, God's true warrior in sackcloth and ashes, His burning bush, His voice in the French Quarter wilderness, blessed troublemaker,

not to be mocked, not to be saved, crown of thorns messiah of the way things really are.

“How to Say, ‘I Was Scared of Fire as a Kid'” by Michael Martin Shea

Issue 69
Issue 69

Found in Willow Springs 69

Back to Author Profile

Last night, I dreamt I was shot in the head. I still had
six hours to live, but there was nothing I wanted to do.

I tell this while we're in bed together, while you're stroking
my chest with your free hand and propping your head on the other,

or maybe I don't tell you this, because you're still having nightmares
about your friend who lived that dream in reverse,

and her painting of the lake reflecting the tree still hangs
above our bed, so maybe I tell you something funny,

like, I dreamt we adopted a dog, one that had been beaten or trained
to kill, and we kept it in our elevator, but you don't laugh. You say,

That's not funny.

You say, That's not funny at all. Are you joking? and I tell you, yes,
I'm joking, or no, no I just had this dream and I can't help it,

and then you tell me about a dream you had, one where you're a kayaker
with kittens duct taped to your paddle, like you're giving them a bath,

which actually is funny, so maybe the difference between dreams
and nightmares depends on how much duct tape is involved,

duct tape being

inherently comedic, which would make that dream I had about

dropping acid

with my father and robbing a bank in Madrid only a dream

as long as we duct tape up a hostage or two or as long as no one gets shot
or paints dreary scenes where one thing reflects the other

the way they do in dreams, as if a parked car could dream

of being stollen

which I tell you and you laugh and your breasts shake

but then you sigh, as if you almost believe it, as if you believe
that a tree can dream of a lake, or a lake can want to wake up

from its dream of being a tree. So later we have sex and it's great
and all that, but I can't stop thinking about those kittens

gasping for breath like us, so when I finish I kiss you on the mouth
as if to say, here, take this. You can believe this.

Two Poems by Elizabeth Tannen

Goat Cover
Goat Cover

Found in Willow Springs 90

Back to Author Profile

Liz Phair, fifteen weeks

 

On the same morning I learn
the fetus is developing folds that

will become ears I also hear
that Liz Phair has a new album

which makes me weepy because
special sentimentalities go along

with being pregnant and with being
a teenager and hearing her name now

converges these chapters, makes
me reminisce about being fifteen

and in the back of Webster Hall,
swaying because I was so uncomfortable

in my body and so taken
with excitement to be at my very

first concert beside a very
pretty friend whose taste in music

I let mold mine. Liz’s voice
has stayed the same but her heartache

hasn’t aged well. She sounds
less fierce, more codependent.

We were both supposed to stay
youthful forever. We were both

supposed to remain as cool
as we felt in the 90s. I listen

to the new album again to try
and like it better but it just

makes me want to hear
Exile in Guyville, and I belt out

the lyrics like the fetus
can hear, like it might forgive

me and Liz for the imperfect
ways we’ve aged.

 

Riddle, six weeks

 

Are you sure you want to switch
to pregnancy-tracking mode?

my period-tracking app asks and a purple
circle with a peanut-shaped image of an embryo

at the center stares up at me as I stand
in the white-walled laundry room

of my apartment building basement
where I have come to hide

from my partner who does not want
a pregnancy or a baby or a child

and to retrieve a load of wet washing
and in the process I’ve hit what now

appears to be a very significant button
whose pressing will activate an endless

stream of content warning women what

to eat and what not to eat and what skin

products to avoid and which to use and
on any given day, whether your embryo

is the size of a sesame seed or a lentil
and which exercises you should try

and which never and whatever you do,
don’t stress out, it’s bad for the baby,

but I don’t know that yet and in the moment
I’m not prepared because it’s Friday

and I’m between Zoom meetings and
it’s been only minutes since I removed

the pink wrapper on the First Response test
and peed into a glass jar that used to hold

a pine-scented candle but today
holds my yellow urine which apparently

contains the hormone that the test
says means positive which means

that today my body is pregnant and yet
my body is also over thirty-five and has

never, to my knowledge, carried a pregnancy
and there are too many emotions to process

all of which will conflict directly with those
of my baby-hating partner and so it seems

strange that the app whose job I thought
it was to simply track my menstrual cycle

should be so bold as to ask whether
I’m sure about anything